Animals & Pets
Impartial Judge
Impartial Judge unless there are treats involved
High Heels
convinced the thing that separates us from the animals is high heels
Handy Fact
why aren’t people dogs? he said & I said because we can pick up newspapers with our hands & that made sense to him.
Gap
The only thing that separates me from the animals is a lot of words, so when I’m not talking much, the gap closes really quick.
Food Group
this is a trap for under appreciated food groups like woodchucks
Cultural Fable
Once upon a time there was a pig who spoke eight languages & did sculpture with pieces of wood & rusted metal he found on his travels. One day he was out in the woods working on a new installation piece & he met a family from a small town in Tennessee. They had been walking for days. The dad saw the pig & said what are you doing, little piggie? They were all quite surprised when the pig said working with counterbalanced forces using found objects. They all stood around & looked at the piece for a long time. No one said anything. Finally, the dad shrugged & turned to the mom & said I don’t know much about art but I know what I like & then they killed the pig & ate him.
Class Act
taking himself for a walk hoping he doesn’t poop on someone’s lawn
like all the other dogs in the neighborhood since he’s trying hard to better himself
Classic Piece
The elephant head was the most unusual piece in her wardrobe & even though she never wore it in public, it gave her great comfort to know she could if she wanted to.
Chihuahua
I remember once I went to my great-grandmother’s house. It was a big white house & it always smelled like slightly burned toast & raspberry jam. She had a picture of Jesus on the wall in her living room. She told me his eyes would follow you around when you walked. I told a friend about it a while ago. He nodded & said he used to have a Chihuahua that did the same thing.
Caregiver
What happened to you? I said & she said she was nurturing the cat against its will
& that was the end of that conversation.
Cat Lover
I’ve had cats since I was young, she said & I still love them.
See, I said, you don’t have to be smart to be happy.
Bunches of Eyes
this shark sees everything because it’s got bunches of eyes
but it has such a tiny brain that it can’t keep it all straight
Bird Dreams
In her dream, she said, she was a bird who fell asleep & dreamed she was a man who wore bright colors & treated women poorly & she asked all the other birds what it could mean & they all thought it was something in the air & everyone agreed how lucky they were to be birds & not men.
Bird Puppet
this is a talking bird puppet & it usually has a lot to say after she’s been on another bad date
Blackbird
I watched the pellet leave the gun. It was like a big black fly & it landed on the blackbird’s wing & suddenly there was a single drop of bright bright red & the voices of the world seemed farther away & I knew I could never do that again. The sounds of the other birds stopped for a moment as its song flew out to all the corners of the world & I hoped that someday I would be remembered that way.
Bird Costume
fond of dressing like a bird at every opportunity & then sneaking around at dusk scaring the bejeezus out of cats
Attack Dog
My aunt had a poodle she dressed in little red sweaters with little dangly ball things & I don’t think it was any wonder that dog was so vicious.
Abstract Love
I’m an animal lover in the abstract, he said. What does that mean? I said. It means I try not to think about them a whole lot, because pet hair makes me queasy.